My Fall..

Maybe it is not my time yet. But i just have to admit that i am too, i mean, too giving up on my work life. I have not being paid up for nearly 2 months, and etc2..

Now, the phrase of " Overwork, underpaid" is no longer applicable in my life.

"Overwork, WITHOUT WTF paid" is much more likely to fit in.

I'm gonna quit my job, yeah, eventually.

And i feel totally such a loser right now.
Sometimes i can be so strong and i can tell myself, i can overcome this, I can face this up, i can stand this on my own feet.

But i have to put back my feet on the ground by admitting that staying "here" is just a waste of time.

Life just work differently on people. Some are being given so much bless and easiness in their way.


But some, like me, It is the other way around. Maybe some of you that is so eager to know how my life really was like, could be smiling up to your ear reading my fall this time of my life. Like, someone that could do anything just to know my private life, even you have to google down just to search for my trolley-sucks-outdoor-moments for my wedding picture. There, I said it!

And this time, I now know that who is really true friend of mine. Because, one could offer their shoulder for me to cry, one could even offer me money if i really in need, one will always ask about how am i being doing, still alive or not..

BUT, some who claimed them self true friend of mine would just pretend to care about me, or even ask me about my conditions before we switch off to their problems, and i, have to bear my damn ear to hear your so called pathetic life.

Ohh, life could be good and at the same time cruel if i can spill that to your faces, right?

Come on, just laugh ALL you need!

This is my time to fall.

But when i regain myself up, there is no way you can see me falling again. That, i assure you.

It ALL about.......

I:

1) Have been longing to have a pair of clarks/crocs shoe. I just realize a bruise on my toe after the high-heels-interview-sucks-kinda moment.

2) Do not want to work here anymore. Boss, if you want to sack me, please do so. So i can leave in peace. Peace yo!

3) Pregnant. Yes, 4 and a half months already.

4) Getting fat and fatter everyday even i dont consume that much.

5) Love my friends, Yong, Ayin, Ima, Yan, Lin, Ina.

6) Hungry at this moment. Logic?

7) Like to have cendol by the road side by now.

8) Gonna get it now.

9) Shall wait for my colleague.

Is this entry is all about me, getting cendol? erghhhhh!! tension!

Temuduga lagi

Wah! Hari yang sangat penat dan hampir2 memutuskan semangat saya nak bekerja dengan kerajaan. (Or in other words to get the new job and run for my life from my current workplace haha).

Jadi, bertolak dari rumah seawal mungkin dan memandu macam orang tak cukup tanah, saya sempat tiba ditempat kejadian pada sebelum waktu pendaftaran dan waktu itu barisan yang beratur sudah hampir ke luar tempat.

So pendek kata, ibu mengandung yang memakai high heels dan berjalan jauh ini terpaksa beratur dan berdiri selama 2 jam setengah. Ya. High endurance ya?

So finally the interview was done in a group of five people. Biasalah, interview kerajaan mesti ada sesi perbincangan. Oh, not to mention the interview sessions was conducted fully in english.

Tapi saya kasihan dengan seorang budak ni yang fresh grad dan saya rasa dia gemuruh menyebabkan dia langsung tak dapat bercakap dalam bahasa inggeris.

And on my way back after the interview, i came upon this old couple waiting for the daughter outside under the sun. They looked very lovely and charmed towards each other. I just smile and they smiled back.

Pakcik: Dah habes dah? (the interview)
Me: Dah. Sambil tersenyum
Pakcik: Ada dia orang marah kamu? Kalau ada biar pakcik marah balik. (cewah, konon2 macam dah lama kenal)
Me: Makcik and pakcik tengah tunggu anak ke? Panas ni..sian.
Makcik: Aah, tengah tunggu anak, takpelah, berkorban demi anak.. (sambil tersenyum.)

Dalam hati saya berkata, wah, baik sungguh makcik dan pakcik ni. sanggup berkorban untuk anak. Ramai mak bapak yang sanggup berkorban untuk anak.

Tapi ramai ke anak yang sanggup berkorban untuk mak dan bapa mereka?

Selamat hari ibu..

Saya tiada ibu lagi. Sudah lapan tahun berlalu. Saya masih lagi rasa kehilangan itu. Rasa kosong itu masih ada. Tiada yang dapat menggantikan tempatnya lagi. Ya, hidup mesti diteruskan.

Saya ada gambar dengan ibu. Cuma gambarnya dalam hard copy.
Saya tak perlu mempamirkanya disini. Ia ada dalam ingatan saya. Wajah ibu, maksud saya.

I do not want to be mellow today.
Tapi, bila ada rakan sekerja yang baru kehilangan ibu bulan lepas beritahu saya tadi, saya jadi terpempan. Saya turut bersedih. Tapi rasa numbness itu ada kekal tadi.

Bagi orang yang pernah merasai kehilangan ibu, tahulah rasa itu.
Bagi yang menghargai ibu mereka, tahniah.

Tapi bagi yang membuat ibu mereka merana? Yang mengherdik ibu yang melahirkan, yang mengabaikan ibu mereka, tambah pula yang menyeksa, sepak terajang ibu yang pernah membelai mereka. Saya tiada kata lain. Neraka jahanamlah tempat mereka kalau mereka masih lagi tak sedar akan keberdosaan mereka itu.

Macam rancangan semanis kurma minggu lepas, seorang ibu mengadu, anaknya sendiri memukul, menyeksa dan sanggup memfitnah ibu dia sendiri. Nauzubillah.

Buat mereka yang seperti itu, saya selalu terfikir, tidak tahu dosa kah mereka ini?
Kamu tidak lagi kehilangan mak, kamu tak tahu lagi apa rasanya.

Anyway, saya rindu sangat-sangat arwah ibu saya..

Quit or not?

I been sitting here, so deep-in-thought of quitting my job. But so much in my mind that bears me. and hold me into stagnant.

This workplace are:

1. Too far away from my home. I had to commute 70km daily.
2. The salary is so so so not worth the tasks. I bet you, my sis with just her minimal qualification (SPM) is way better than me.
   

Okay, that just the reason i could reveal here. I am so dissapointed with everything that happened and thus blaming myself for the fact that i had over-expected from myself. I had no idea where went wrong. Maybe this is life. This is it.

I had to call it a day.

Chaoww.

Ne me quitte pas...

Ne me quitte pas
Il faut oublier
Tout peut s'oublier
Qui s'enfuit déjà
Oublier le temps
Des malentendus
Et le temps perdu
A savoir comment
Oublier ces heures
Qui tuaient parfois
A coups de pourquoi
Le coeur du bonheur

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Moi je t'offrirai
Des perles de pluie
Venues de pays
Oÿ il ne pleut pas
Je creuserai la terre
Jusqu'après ma mort
Pour couvrir ton corps
D'or et de lumière
Je ferai un domaine
Oÿ l'amour sera roi
Oÿ l'amour sera loi
Oÿ tu seras reine

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Je t'inventerai
Des mots insensés
Que tu comprendras
Je te parlerai
De ces amants-là
Qui ont vu deux fois
Leurs coeurs s'embraser
Je te raconterai
L'histoire de ce roi
Mort de n'avoir pas
Pu te rencontrer

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

On a vu souvent
Rejaillir le feu
De l'ancien volcan
Qu'on croyait trop vieux
Il est paraät-il
Des terres brulées
Donnant plus de blé
Qu'un meilleur avril
Et quand vient le soir
Pour qu'un ciel flamboie
Le rouge et le noir
Ne s'épousent-ils pas

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas
Je ne vais plus pleurer
Je ne vais plus parler
Je me cacherai là
A te regarder
Danser et sourire
Et à t'écouter
Chanter et puis rire
Laisse-moi devenir
L'ombre de ton ombre
L'ombre de ta main
L'ombre de ton chien

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

Ne me quitte pas

Don't leave me We must forget All we can forget all we did till now Let's forget the cost of the breath We've spent saying words unmeant And the times we've lost hours that must destroy Never knowing why everything must die at the heart of joy Don't leave me don't leave me Don't leave me don't leave me I'll bring back to you the pearls of rain From a distant domain where rain never fell And though I grow old I'll keep mining the ground To deck you around in gold and light I'll build you a domain where love's everything Where love is king and you are queen Don't leave me don't leave me Don't leave me don't leave me Don't leave me For you I'll invent Words and what they meant only you will know Tales of lovers who fell apart and then fell in love again There's a story too that I can confide Of that king who died from not meeting you Don't leave me don't leave me Don't leave me don't leave me And often it's true that flames spill anew From ancient volcano's we thought were too old When all's said and done scorched fields of defeat Could give us more wheat than the fine April sun And when evening is nigh with flames overhead The black and the red aren't they joined in the sky Don't leave me don't leave me Don't leave me don't leave me Don't leave me I will cry no more I will talk no more hide myself To look at you and see you dance and smile And hear you sing and laugh Let me be for you the shadow of your shadow The shadow of your hand the shadow of your dog Don't leave me don't leave me Don't leave me don't leave me

I love this song ever since i heard it from the first time. OOhhh i wish i could speak french. Seeing it's meaning, i was so beautiful.

Enjoy!

Be patience, i told myself

Instead of having this urgency of end-furnished my powerpoint slides for the my master degree viva this coming tuesday, i never felt as ignorance as i can be to day. I mean i have to complete it today and send it to my superior late-supervisor. And i have this doubt to invite my ex supervisor to attend to this viva simply becuse some reasons i culd not mention here. Still, I linger on in here, blogging whatever that occur in my ignorance mind..

So, this has brought me into a deep consideration of having thoughts of my own in the office. What? Dont you have works to do?

Just so you know, i am not a whinner. Ok, some times i whines to my closest friends and family but not to all.

So just so you know too, i have been working without salary almost 2 months now.

Still, i never whines to my ignorance boss.
I have loaded with so much work. Mainly were last minute notice works.
But i managed to done it on time.
Without salary.I been working for free.

I believe that this hurdles is one of the way of Allah wanna to test His servants.

Sabar...sabar...sabar....