Numbers..

Points about me:

1. I feel i am trapped in myself. I should have fly on my own towards my dream. But it has not yet happening.
2. Some of the students make faces (not feces) in the exam room facing my killer question. Do i look like i care? Tu la, siapa suruh taknak baca journal yang dah i bagi tu?
3. Had a fabulous makan2 at ina's place yesterday. She has a beautiful big enough house i adored. Impian!
4. Bak kata ayin, saya juga sudah gemuk. I am way too fat than you ayin! Untuk itu i ganti puasa (menahan nafsu dari maaaakaaaaan je)
   
5. Got a cd player for my cheikabot (my car) after the radio turned down and gave up on me. Hahaha. There goes my pocket money (berkata sambil melihat duitku terbang).
6. I have finished with all the borang for nikah. Fiuhh. Tetiba rasa taknak kawen, boleh?
7. Terlalu banyak kerja ntuk disiapkan for my wedding preparation. But i just dont have the mood and enthusiasm to pull it out and done it. Err.. taknak kawen ke? (kawan2 pasti marah dgn statement ini)
8. Baru baik dari asthma. Thank you aspergillus!
9. Ada seseorang yang buat saya tak selesa dalam persiapan kawem ni.. saya macam tak mahu ajak dia sahaja. Jahat kan ?
10. Bosan dengan orang-orang kaya yang berlagak. Dan kaum ibu yang bertudung litup, tapi meredhai anak berbuat maksiat. Saya tahu saya tiada hak dalam hal ini tapi hanya itu sahaja cara saya untuk membanteras. Ada 3 cara, saya tahu, tapi hanya mampu dalam hati.
    

Kampung ke bandar?

Bila orang tanya, kampung awak di mana? Saya akan ambil masa seketika untuk menjawab soalan itu.

Susah untuk dikatakan? Tidak juga. Cuma mungkin takut pada persepsi segelintir yang akan berkata atau menafikannya. Tapi kenyataannya adalah itu. Abah lahir di kampung Baru dan mak pula lahir di Bangsar. Arwah atuk juga lahir di situ. Mula-mula saya ragu juga, tapi bila terjumpa surat beranak atuk, saya yakin. Pasti.Jadi, bagaimana untuk menjawab soalan itu?

Saya akan menjawab yang kampung saya di Hulu Langat. Ya, itu kampung saya. Eh, bukan tadi kata kamu tiada kampung? Itu respons yang biasa saya terima. Kampung Hulu Langat itu adalah kampung tumpangan saja. Dulu, Arwah atuk menjadi peneroka kampung itu. Mereka pindah dari Bangsar ke sana.

Wah, Bangsar, Kampung baru segala. Sungguh KayELL! Tapi tak rupa pun?
Huhu untuk itu, saya tiada komen.

Dulu Arwah mak kata, Moyang kami (nama dia Stanbul, wah, macam orang arab saja?) yang meneroka kawasan bangsar bersama-sama dgn Arwah Hj. Abdullah Hukum. Dulu mak kata, Bangsar tu hutan. Belakang bangunan Telekom (sekarang) ada sungai. Dulu arwah mak dan adik-adik selalu mandi sungai tu. Sungai tu bukan macam sekarang, berkeladak. Dulu sungai itu jernih, boleh tangkap ikan lagi. Ada dusun juga di belakang itu. Arwah mak dan adik-adik berjalan kaki sahaja sampai ke kawasan C.M tolong datuk mereka berniaga nanas dengan orang-orang Cina di Petaling Street. Nanas itu diusahakan oleh arwah moyang di Bukit Nanas. Sebab itulah dapat nama Bukit Nanas. Jauh juga Bukit Nanas dan Bangsar, bukankah? Orang dulu- dulu kuat dan sihat. Itu arwah mak yang kata. Hampir 50 tahun dulu lah.

Tapi sekarang ada hanya tinggal 2-3 lot tanah je di Bangsar yang tinggal. Sekali sekala raya adalah kami akan menziarah kawan perkuburan (berdekatan Pantai Hill Park) tempat di mana atuk dan nenek2 kami disemadikan. Dengar kata, ada atuk sedara yang tamak dan penipu dah jual tanah di Bangsar dengan harga puluhan ribu sahaja. Tamak bolot semua seorang. Sekarang tanah di sana harga berjutaan. Dalam hati saya kata, kenapa tak boleh sabar sikit?

Harta dunia..alah... tak payah lah berebut (Atuk juga yang kata).
Huhuhu..

Forgivenes is divine..

Selamat Hari Raya everyone! Wow, the mood is really fake for me but still, i wanna wish everyone. Still, this come from my very own sincere heart. Huhu.

Raya was still lame for me, the same old the same old yada yada. And i still think that raya is full of drama. huhu.

But, lately i learned that forgiveness is divine. It is actually easy as ABC.

I was listening to one ceramah telling that if you do put off a relationship amongst you, your deeds will go nowhere. It will be wasteful and will not benefit you as long as you forgive others that have done wrong to you.

So, later that nite i was thinking and i was telling myself to try to be someone else that have full of forgiveness at heart. So i decided to forgive to all of knowing me for how bad i am.

To my friends Diana Remey, to my friends Lisa..I forgive you and ask for your forgivenes for what have i done wrong to you..

And even this goes to my stepmum who was a biatch at those times, for stealing our dad away from us at those times, For killing my lovely childhood times and for that i become quit a weirdo at times, For your efforts to trying to send us at orphanage once, For letting me grieve and turned me into someone who do not trust people easily and isolate me from this world. And nevertheless thank you. Thank you for all your efforts, I became Me right now.

I FORGIVE YOU and it was all between you and ALLAH right now.

I feel very relieved and such at ease for now.Alhamdulillah.

Innocent Man

I was pondering on how this life can change us.

Into something we are not. Or Destined to be.

Oh, that was just my thoughts. I had a lot of them this time around.

I was just finished 2 novels of Grisham's and maybe you might think that i should evolve too, rather than reading from the same author again and again. Oh, i just do not know. I fell in love with him. His writting and ideas. Superb and brilliant. At least that was my opinion.

One of the recommended novel of him ( if u are into suspense, thriller and excitement except for the fact you will learn a whole lot of Law's term in it), is The Innocent Man. It was the last book from him that i read and most frank and true story of all. Based on a true life of innocent man and i guaranteed to you that it is gonna be turning pages that kept you from doing anything!huhuhu.

Even i scared to plowed under it and survives knowing it's ending.

Just go with the flow,..

I had such a calamity about myself lately but i just go plowed with it. Ramadan seems nice to me, though, and somehow i would feel such at ease by this blessed month. Even i have to berbuka puasa with only me and my brother, or just me alone. Having thought of how i missed the family environment making me feel a bit mellow. But i guess, hey, this is the way my life is and there is nothing wrong about it. OR, at least i have my brother to accompany me to berbuka puasa. Just lacking all family material. Thats just it.

Sometimes i can be down even by all time i am a optimist kinda person. I always told myself that i have to be thankful of what Allah had gave me. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

Since i am lacking of family material and stuff like, in other words, a real family environment, i really hoping for my friends. Even i had little of them and some are escaping with their own life that was just fine with me. And it is naturally that we seldom will hurts somebody else's feeling without us realizing it. Just the other day i had hurt my colleague feeling unintentionally and i totally regretted it. Since i already considered her as a dear sister of mine and presumed she can take all the pranks and jokes that had been threw to her by US actually.

Quickly i realized the cold and silence treatment from her and i began to ask for apologize from her the same day. And i think even it has been rectified i presumed, the things can not be the same as before. I will not repeat the same thing again, never exhume the things on my own again and will always alert by where the limit is.

So i was wondering what is the best way to be your self and still able not to hurt some one's feeling?

So that was it.

I want that!

I am a complicated person by sometime in my life. I think of too much and expecting too much out of it and resulting me the severe exorbitant pain in the arse i must say.Is it that maybe i like to torture myself or it just by the nature? See? i am thinking too much.

I am extreme.

Sometimes i think too much like i said. Sometimes i do not want to think of any.
But i am doing a lot of thinking lately about what lay ahead of me for me.

I had a friend who i considered her as my rival of a lifetime. She is very-very persuasive and had a low tolerance for her ambiguity in life. Maybe, i think that her life is almost perfect that makes her that way. And for that i envy her. She always knew what she wants and it seems that life is always cater her needs. Or was i just exaggerated?

And now she is pursuing her PhD in Edinburgh and of course was fully funded. Now i have the reason to be envy right?


But when i think into it deeply i found that maybe this is the best that Allah give me for my very good own sake.

But it is not wrong to be a competitious right people? In a good way though.

Ramadan Al-Mubarak

Salam...

Oh saya sebenarnya sungguh bersyukur dan gembira kerana diberi Allah peluang untuk menikmati kelazatan beribadah di bulan puasa ini, Alhamdulillah..saya berpeluang menikmati solat taraweh di masjid mukim saya dan..... A lot of things that i when i think it back, it were all funny.

Ceritanya begini, selalunya saya akan mengambil tempat saf yang agak terkebelakang kerana saya selalunya menunaikan ibadah solat taraweh sebanyak 8 rakaat sahaja (konon2 untuk memberi peluang ibu-ibu yang sudah uzur untuk berpahala lebih) tapi sebenarnya memudahkan saya untuk..hehhehehe you know what im saying.. ... Dan pada hari pertama, di saf hadapan saya datanglah seorang ibu dan dua orang anak perempuannya.Salah seorang anaknya saya kira belum lagi mumayyiz dan memakai telekung yang berkartun2 (boleh?) Sudah tentulah hati saya yang imannya senipis kulit bawang ini akan selalu berkata-kata and always being distracted by that. Seperti contoh, hati saya yang tidak kuat ini akan mengagak apakah yang akan dilakukan oleh budak ini nanti? Ya Allah, ampunkan lah dosa-dosa saya kerana ini..

Mahu dijadikan cerita, setelah saya berusaha mencuba untuk menetapkan hati dan diri untuk khusyuk, pada rakaat terakhir, sedang saya sujud, kepala saya terasa seperti di hantuk oleh kaki budak itu. Aduh, sakitnya bukan kepalang. Sabar. Sabar. Sabar. HAti saya dipujuk diri sendiri.

Hari kedua berjalan seperti biasa, namun tiba-tiba, saya ternampak akan kelibat budak itu lagi! Tiba-tiba hati saya berdebar, entah mengapa saya pun tidak tahu.huhu..Dalam hati saya berdoa, janganlah ditempatkan dia di hadapan saya lagi..Alhamdulillah, dia berada selang satu baris di hadapan saya..

Hari berikutnya, juga pada antara rakaat terakhir, saya di uji lagi. Tiba- tiba, datang seorang budak lelaki yang saya kira umurnya dalam 8-9 tahun dan bertubuh agak besar dan debab, datang di hadapan saya dan, cuba untuk lalu di sebelah saya. Dan di antara saf, manalah ada gap bukan? dan disebelah saya pula, dinding! Aduh. Saya tidak pasti sama ada saya mendapat pahala atau pun dosa, Ya Allah, Ampunilah aku atas sifat kekurangan ku ini..

As for the conclusion, i think that these were some of the ways Allah wants me to be more patience towards life ahead. I just thought to myself, how do people in Mekah Al Mukarramah could survive and tolerate towards each other in such much more worse condition than mine?